4 Stupid Things We Do When Meeting Girls
(And how to fix them)

It's a miracle any of us get laid or find girlfriends.

Talk with a pick-up artist or sex expert long enough and—once they get past their spiel—they'll tell you the truth: most guys have more luck with online poker than they do with women. (So the next time you tell me about your full house and fooling around with two pair, I'll see right through your bullshit, buddy.)

And it's not just the over-confident frat boys and World of Warcraft types that aren't getting any play. It's all of us. Just ask relationship coach Jamie Thompson.

"Most guys are pussies. They live in a shell and don't know how to interact. They're not entertaining, engaging, or interesting."

Ouch.

I put my hurt feelings aside and asked Thompson and Dana Carney, PhD, to identify and solve four common mistakes we all make when trying to meet girls.

1. You don't look for "approach invitations."

According to Carney, people send non-verbal signals back and forth to show things like dominance, security, and sexual interest. We just don't pay any attention.

"People listen to words or notice overt gestures, but often don't understand how rich non-verbal information and subtle cues are," she says.

According to some scientists, non-verbal communication outdates language and is thus ingrained in our DNA. So a girl may be sending you all right signals, but because she doesn't explicitly say "You should come talk to me," many guys don't notice.

How can you tell if she's interested? Carney suggests looking for deviations in her baseline set of behaviors.

"Imagine a girl who's hunched over a glass of wine and maybe looking in a particular direction," she says. "And then you walk by and all of a sudden she sits up and starts to touch her hair or her wrists. Or maybe she's talking to friends when she notices you, and her rate of speech speeds up, or her voice becomes higher or lower, or she starts licking her lips. Those are all changes that shifted because of the new stimulus that entered her awareness."

Think about that for a minute.

Could be the girl hovering over you in the café wasn't really reading the newspaper; maybe she was establishing a closer physical proximity. And the girl at the bar who started talking loudly when you walked by may have been trying to get you to notice her.

The bottom line: Become aware of all the unspoken "conversations" and train yourself to notice when a girl is giving you the green light. If you get it, smile, approach, and start a conversation. Just don't be that guy. Read on.

2. You're way focused on being perfect and come off as a "try-hard."

Everyone's been in a group with the guy who talks to himself ("Now what did I do yesterday?") and nervously laughs after every joke. It's hard not to feel sorry for him when he's obviously trying be a part of the conversation. He's usually tolerated but eventually gets left out. Don’t be that guy.  

Thompson believes guys who act like this aren't being congruent with their personality—they're too focused on the outcome instead of having fun.

"You can't fake confidence, a sense of humor, or having a good time," she says. "And those are all things girls find attractive."

So what if you lack confidence or have a sense of humor most people don't understand? Just go with it and be yourself.

"There's a lot of evidence that suggests we like people who are seen as fallible more than infallible," adds Carney. "Who wants to be with someone who has to be perfect all the time? If a guy has a lot of good qualities, but then fucks up and drops a drink or says something stupid in a social interaction, the question becomes How does he finesse that into a way that's cute or turn it into self-deprecating humor?"

The bottom line: Girls are used to getting approached and are extremely adept at noticing who's sincere and who's trying hard. You set yourself apart from the other guys in the bar when you approached her; don't screw it up by trying to be someone you're not.

3. You act like a petulant child or a castrated monk in conversation.

While some guys may try too hard, others are blatantly not trying at all. They walk into a group of girls and expect them to lead the conversation.

"Women constantly test guys to see how confident and socially comfortable they are," says Thompson. "But one thing we really like is a guy who knows what he wants."

According to her, most guys either back down too quickly, or, thinking that women respond to jerks, become over-the-top rude.

"If you're in a group of girls, make them laugh. Say something outrageous. Ask them about the most dangerous or taboo thing they've ever done. Show that you're an interesting guy who isn't intimidated by them," she says.

The bottom line: Girls aren't stupid—they know what guys are after. Hell, many of them are after the same thing (but more on that in a minute). Not taking control, sitting there like a puppet, or trying to establish dominance by being a jerk is a pretty good way to ensure you'll be leaving alone.

4. You don't understand that some girls just want to have fun. (As in, no strings attached sex.)

That sentence alone is enough reason to jump up and down and howl at the moon. As it turns out, girls want casual sex just as much as guys do. Probably more.

"There have definitely been times when I've gone out with my friends with the main goal to have fun and hook up," says Thompson. "We know guys want the same thing but a lot of them are too afraid to go with it and bring it up in conversation, so we end up waiting around. Everybody loses."

So why doesn't the girl you're talking to just come out and say "I'd like to introduce you to my bed?"

Because she's a lady, stupid.
 
"There's always been a stigma attached," says Carney. "Girls who have casual sex without a relationship are considered slutty and boys who have casual sex are seen as studly."

But thanks to cultural icons like Madonna and TV shows like Sex in the City, the stereotypes are starting to slightly shift, says Carney.

"You see women like Angelina Jolie who are empowered sexually but also strong and mothering at the same time. She looks like a woman who has no boundaries and others are starting to respect that."

So, women want sex. But you can't just walk into a bar and say, "Let's fuck." (Unless you want a mai-tai thrown in your face.) You've got to know when women are looking for casual sex.

Thompson's got a few ideas. "If they've just broken up with their boyfriend or when they're on vacation is the best time," she says. "Girls know what they want so you can drop the whole 'but she's just on a rebound' thing. We know we're on the rebound. That's why we want to have sex with you."

The bottom line: Girls have just as much of a sexual appetite as you, and could be willing to come back to your place if you follow one simple rule: don't treat hear like a slut. "It's really important that you implicitly let her know that you respect her," says Thompson.

So don't bad-mouth your ex-girlfriend or talk about how skanky the girl in a mini-skirt sitting across the bar looks. She's taking mental notes to see if you respect women.

A few resources to check out:

Sex and dating advice: BeASexpert.com
Dating Science and seduction: Magic Bullets eBook